true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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