Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
