Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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