I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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