remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
