Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
