my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
