Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
