Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
