the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
