sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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