im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
