There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
