I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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