if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
