Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Girls should come with a carfax report
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
