By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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