he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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