i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
