Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
