Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
