They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
