i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
