Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
operation have a gay friend backfired
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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