there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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