it's not cheating when I paid for it
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
