She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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