You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
