I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
