I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
My cat gives me a boner
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
