was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
