Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
