I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
