Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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