i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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