Soap is not a condiment
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
