If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
