Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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