oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Randomize
