someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
