i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
