i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
