he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
