Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
