This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
