I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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