I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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