Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
