I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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