Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize
