she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
