this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
