I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
