My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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