I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
