i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
